Sometimes when you’re feeling down about your adult dating life, it’s always best to compare your love life to someone who has it worse than you. It’s like watching Jerry Springer. You know it’s the worst kind of entertainment, but at least you know that you are not fighting over a toothless trailer park hick who has fathered 1000 babies.
While looking for some new relationship topics for this blog, I discovered a recent story about a 61 year old man named Eddie Campbell who had sex with a mannequin in a memorial park. The police say Campbell was sitting on a park bench with an armless mannequin on his lap, holding it with one hand and jerking himself off with the other.
Thankfully, none of us would be so desperate and crazy to want to get lucky with a mannequin, but if I was Eddie Campbell, here are some things I would have said to the cops to avoid going to jail.
10. I just wanted to see how having sex with Kim Cattrall as a mannequin really was like.
9. You call it screwing a dummy. I call it practicing my performance for Yoko Ono’s Art show.
8. She’s alive! You watched Today’s Special, right? That show was real, man!
7. Says nothing and sits still like a mannequin.
6. What about my civil rights? I should be allowed to get married to her!
5. I’m telling you she’s legal. She was made in Taiwan in 1981.
4. You’re a mannequinist.
3. Officer, she was taking advantage of me!!!
2. I wasn’t taking off her clothes. I was trying to put my clothes on her!
1. This is the only benefits I get at Target. Have a heart.