If you live in the city, spotting a hipster is as easy as spotting tufts of hair on Oscar Winner Mo’nique’s legs. We are always taught to avoid these affected individuals by all costs, however there are always those few hipster chicks and fellas that always seem to win us over at one point. If you are thinking about dating or having sex with a bohemian snob douchebag, then here are a few things you need to know:
Dress Like a Hipster
In order to attract a hipster, you need to become a hipster. This requires an entire wardrobe makeover, but that’s okay because most the things you can buy you can find at thrift stores for dirt cheap. First things first, buy some vintage apparel and then buy skinny jeans and pants from American Apparel. (Do not admit you bought them from American Apparel though. Take the hipster vow of silence.) Then head to a store that iron transfers pictures onto T-shirts so you can showcase your knowledge of obscure television and cinema. Artwork from 70′s to 80′s Italian horror films will definitely turn some hipsters heads. Also, wear T-shirts showcasing canceled TV shows, sitcoms and cartoons. Make sure the show was not that mainstream. Getting a ‘Central Perk’ shirt will not help your adult dating life. Getting a ‘Jennifer Slept Here’ T-shirt will definitely score you some points.
Buy Accessories
Buy big headphones to wear on the street as well as big black sunglasses like the kids wore in Less Than Zero. (You don’t know the movie? Rent it! That is basic hipster pop culture knowledge.) Make sure to buy a gray or black striped toque that drapes off your head and buy a unisex striped scarf to dangle over your jacket. Also, if you’re a guy, grow a long and sporadic dirty beard. Hipster chicks will go nuts!
Build An LP collection
It may be a frightening thought, but you must step into a record store and pick out albums that will stand out in your collection. Hipsters pride themselves for their music knowledge and as long as it’s not top 40 garbage, you will do okay. Buy 70′s funk and soul albums from Leon Ware, Herbie Hancock and Miles Davis. Buy Hip Hop albums from Mad Lib and MF Doom. Buy rock albums from Pink Floyd and The Flaming Lips. If you are panicking, go with Serge Gainsbourg. It works like a charm.
Watch Obscure Cinema
Hipsters pride themselves for knowing movies the general public does not, which means you have to also bone up on your movie watching knowledge. In order to do this, go to a privately-owned video store and chat up the lame hipster movie geek behind the desk. He will make you watch anything by Hal Hartley, Francois Ozon and any film directed by Woody Allen after 2002. Then you should head out to the small theatre you never go to because of the lack of selection. The “lack of selection” is a hipster’s dream. Watch foreign films, old horror films and documentaries. If you don’t know the movie the picture above is from, then you haven’t been doing your homework.
Never Get Too Excited
Hipsters like to mock things religiously and even when they do like something, they don’t act too excited about it. If they bring something up like a group or band, immediately retort back with, “Yeah, but they’re not as good as (fill in the random obscure indie reference here). Talking with your hipster is like a tug of war battle of wits.
Only Go To Micro Breweries
Hipsters don’t like beer. They like ale. Pale Ale or anything with Raspberry wheat. Make sure you take them somewhere where there is not a ‘domestic or imported’ beer list on the menu.
Know Your Fruit
Sounds silly I know, but hipsters primarily like shopping at smelly fruit shops in Chinatown. Instead of picking up apples, pick up goji berries instead. You want some oranges? Get Huando seedless oranges instead.
Invest in a Type Writer iPad Application
Never send your hipster a text. Write out letters to them on type-writer application you can apply on your iPad instead. Then scan your messages onto your computer and post them on your blog. Major points there.
So if you still want to pursue this hipster after this long list, by all means be my guest.