Things to Say When the Cops Find You Naked With A Mannequin

Sometimes when you’re feeling down about your adult dating life, it’s always best to compare your love life to someone who has it worse than you. It’s like watching Jerry Springer. You know it’s the worst kind of entertainment, but at least you know that you are not fighting over a toothless trailer park hick who has fathered 1000 babies.

While looking for some new relationship topics for this blog, I discovered a recent story about a 61 year old man named Eddie Campbell who had sex with a mannequin in a memorial park. The police say Campbell was sitting on a park bench with an armless mannequin on his lap, holding it with one hand and jerking himself off with the other.

Thankfully, none of us would be so desperate and crazy to want to get lucky with a mannequin, but if I was Eddie Campbell, here are some things I would have said to the cops to avoid going to jail.

10. I just wanted to see how having sex with Kim Cattrall as a mannequin really was like.

9. You call it screwing a dummy. I call it practicing my performance for Yoko Ono’s Art show.

8. She’s alive! You watched Today’s Special, right? That show was real, man!

7. Says nothing and sits still like a mannequin.

6. What about my civil rights? I should be allowed to get married to her!

5. I’m telling you she’s legal. She was made in Taiwan in 1981.

4. You’re a mannequinist.

3. Officer, she was taking advantage of me!!!

2. I wasn’t taking off her clothes. I was trying to put my clothes on her!

1. This is the only benefits I get at Target. Have a heart.

Generic Break Up Lies That Deserve The Middle Finger

There comes a point in everybody’s adult dating lives when they have heard every generic break up cliche in the book. There also comes a point where everybody should snap and point out these statements for what they really are: COWARDLY LIES. Here are a few break up lies we should all give the middle finger to.

“It’s Not You, It’s Me”

Really? Even toddlers know this is a bullsh*t lie. Of course, it’s me, asshole! Just call it for what is really is. You want out out of this relationship and I don’t. Was that really that hard?

“There’s Plenty Of Fish In The Sea.”

I hate when friends say this to you. It’s like they assume you have no concept of the fact that this world is full of millions of people walking the Earth. I know there are plenty of “fish” to choose from, Jackass!

“I Need To Focus On My Career Right Now.”

This one really cracks me up. It’s kind of like the excuse kids give their parents when they’re trying to avoid doing the chores around the house. “But Mom, I really need to focus on my homework!” What they really mean to say is that they see maintaining this relationship as a tedious chore. Funny how they have no qualms about neglecting their “careers” when trying to get you in bed.

“It’s Their Loss.”

Really? Because I thought I was the one that was dumped? Isn’t it MY loss? I hate when friends say this to you. It’s like they are trying to make you think the person who dumped you is upset that they let you go. Why would they purposely LOSE something they really wanted. *Sigh*

“I love You, But I’m Not In Love With You.”

What they really mean to say is that, “I was attracted to you for a while. However, I just realized how much hotter my now single ex is than you.”

“You’re Too Good For Me.”

This one always makes me laugh when I hear it. Bad boys are prone to saying this phrase to all their conquest. Relationships are not full-time jobs. You shouldn’t be “over qualified” to be loved by someone.

“Can We Just Be Friends?”

When someone says this to you, what they really mean is: “I don’t want to date you anymore, but I have no problem having sex with you from time to time.”

The next time you hear any of these phrases, give the person the middle finger. If someone can’t even say the truth about how they feel or don’t feel about you, then they are better out of your life anyway.

Can We Have Fairy Tale Endings?

Since we were little, we always assumed that our adult dating lives would be as perfect as they are in fairy tales. One day Prince Charming would come to swoop you off your feet or perhaps you would find the most beautiful girl you’ve ever met on a chance encounter. Unfortunately, many of us seem to delude ourselves that fairy tales are meant for everybody and more importantly, for the real world.

Unless you have the ability to grow hair that someone can use to climb up a castle, you should keep your expectations far more realistic and avoid comparing your love and sex lives to the lives from characters out of a The Brothers Grimm tale. Your knight in shining armor shouldn’t be someone who would save you from a burning castle. He should be someone who will cook you dinner after a rough day at work. He should be someone who can carry meaningful conversations with your friends. He should be someone who loves you even when you’re PMSing.

Your damsel in distress should be a woman who is supportive and doesn’t have Rapunzel-sized extensions running down your back. She should be someone who can handle being in a room with your alcoholic mother and not even bat an eye. She should be someone who loves you because you’re a good man and not because you make a good salary.

You can live happily ever after if you choose to live within your realistic expectations of love. If not, you will find out first hand that some times happy fairy tale endings are for stories that haven’t ended yet.

Bring Us A Condom Variety Pack Already!

Dear Condom Manufacturers,

Thank you for your continued service of bringing pleasure to women by providing ribs, twists and sensations to your condom brands. It is much appreciated. However, I have a dilemma that is common with many single women who enjoy having sex with multiple partners. I need to do inventory on my condom supply. You may think this has a simple solution. You’re probably thinking, “Well bitch, just take your lazy ass to the pharmacy and buy some already.” I really wish it was as simple as that.

It’s not that I’m humiliated to buy them. I’ve been buying condoms without blushing since I was sixteen years old. (Daddy issues!) My problem is the lack of variety you put in your packs. If you’re an adult who is sexually active and you have multiple partners, it’s hard to decipher how “well endowed” some men are going to be. While single ladies like myself love buying the gold Trojan Magnum packs, those behemoth lovers are very far and few between. What happens when we pick up a Croatian guy at club that is hung like a thimble or what if we pick up an Irish “Average Joe?”

Let’s face the truth now. If I have a magnum sized pack of condoms and hand one over to a random guy I’m hooking up with, do you think he is going to like the fact that I sleep with men with gargantuan penises? I don’t think so. Do you think my ‘Tiny Tim’ will want to inflate his male ego by trying to do the deed with an oversized sheath over his male member? He probably would, but he would never stay erect.

I don’t want to purchase multiple boxes of condoms and look like a well-paid and worked prostitute at the pharmacy desk. I just want to buy my condoms like I buy my tampons: in a variety pack. Since all you condom manufacturers make your money from being inventive with flavored, tipped, ripped and long lasting condoms, why not put all of them in one pack? I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. It’s a simple request that would help many womens’ dating lives. Trust me.
P.S. Your spermicidal lubricant smells like crap. It’s not rocket science, people! Lube those condoms up with something else, please!

How To Have And Enjoy Rough Sex

Has your adult dating life hit a lull? Looking for some much needed excitement in life? Why not tear down the boundaries in your bedroom be engaging in rough sex the safe and fun way!

Read the following guidelines if you are looking for a raunchy good time!

1. Spanking –Just go for it! The more passionate the sex is getting, give her or him a hard love tap on the ass. Trust me, the surprise will be much welcome.

2. Pinning Her Arms Down – Men, when you’re on top, grab both her wrists and pin them behind her head. Make sure your legs are inside hers or you may take a knee to the jobbers. I also like to add in neck nibbling.

3. Dirty Talk – Work in many words because for some odd reason, there are women who don’t mind (or rather enjoy) being called one of more the following during intercourse:
a. Slut
b. Whore (or ’Ho in certain parts)
c. Dirty
d. Naughty
e. Bad Girl

4. Kamimaze Sex – OK, we made this name up. Women seem to get tingly when they see that stairwell quick-bang in the movie Unfaithful. This is one time when the man isn’t penalized for unloading in under a minute. When she least expects it and still wants it (good luck figuring that one out), shove her up against the wall/staircase, yank down her bottoms, and grind her into the drywall/carpet. You’ll probably cause some brush burns, so have Neosporin handy. NOTE: Please don’t do this at the office, daycare center, or in your kitchen.

5. Role Playing – Hey, whatever gets your blood pumping. You can play master/servant, maid/butler, coach/player (except in central Pennsylvania), quarterback/cheerleader, priest/confessor, officer/criminal, prom king/prom queen, or bar slut/bar player. Ooh, how about this one: author/reader? Saucy!

Could your love life use some freshening? Bring home lotions, toys, and liquor; mix in a little kink; and postpone your mate’s consideration of trading your boring ass in for a pug, hobby, or more open-minded lover.

A Smart And Sassy Woman's Essential New Year's Resolution Guide

1. Don’t Be Too Subtle
Come on! We live in a world that has grown up with Sex And The City, there is no reason to play subtle games or playing hard to get in 2012. Stop being scared of looking desperate and ask out the guy you want to date, already! Flirt, talk and engage in interesting conversations with him instead of waiting for him to make the first move. Life is way too short for thinking ‘what if?’ in regards to your adult dating life.

2. Break Up With the Ex, For Good.
That ex. The one that, if you’re being really honest, still manages to have an inexplicable hold on you. The one who’ll text you out of the blue and throw your whole life in disarray. The one that you’ve been trying (unsuccessfully) to be “just friends” with for years. The one who you inevitably end up talking about to anyone who will listen, even though it’s been a long time now.

You aren’t dating. You shouldn’t waste so much mental energy on that person, and you know it. Break up for good, and move on with your life.

3. Be Nice to the Guy (or Girl!) You Know is in Love With You

Almost every woman on the planet has one: the poor sap who’s always around, always hoping that one day you’ll realize that you’ve been in love with him all along.

When friends point out that he’s totally in love with you, you brush it off and insist you’re just friends. You tell yourself you’re being nice to him. You don’t MEAN to consciously lead him on. (Note the word ‘mean.’)

But sometimes, after a particularly disappointing date or stinging heartbreak or arid dry spot, it’s nice to be able to text or email him something flirty, just to feel special and wanted again. So you keep him around.

Fine if he has other things going on, and you guys have come to a sort of mutual understanding that it’s never going to happen. But if you think there’s any chance that you’re stringing him along, or that he’s waiting for you, you’ve got to let him go.

Better for him to be the perfect boyfriend for someone else, than the occasional ego-boost for you.

4. Say “Yes” to More Dates

Okay, maybe you’re not totally feeling it because, well, sure he’s nice but his bald spot is…really bald and really pointy, and, I dunno, you’re just not instantly sexually attracted to him because he looks like a conehead.

Say yes anyway. Say yes to one date! What, you’re soooo amazing that some guys don’t even get a chance with you?

The guy with Conehead, or the haliotosis, or the weird voice, or slightly alarming number of Maxim magazines for coffee table reading might end up being the best thing that’s ever happened to you. He might! And what’s more, in 2012 you should be opening yourself up to more opportunities for love to find you than shutting the door to them. This means saying yes to more first dates. You can have coffee with anyone for half an hour — it won’t kill you.

5. Listen to Your Friends
Girls who have managed to date a guy for more than 5 consecutive dates sometimes tend to become mighty protective and defensive of their burgeoning relationship. They’ll tentatively ask their friends what they thought of their new beau, but the answer sure as hell better be “He’s great!”

But when a friend seems concerned about an aspect of your relationship, don’t immediately bristle and change the subject. He or she has seen you through relationships before, and has a good idea of what works for you, and what doesn’t, what’s alarming, and what isn’t.

Your friends want to see you happy. If they think a significant other is sort of a jerk to you, or think something is weird, don’t immediately dismiss their opinion.

Famous Guy Phrases Decoded

When it comes to the opposite sex, decoding all their phrases can be frustrating and time consuming. However, after many years of decoding a typical male’s subtext in my adult dating life and being given answers from my good male friends, I am confident that I have the answers to deciphering what a guy is thinking when he says the following phrases.

“It seems that your friends are getting married and having kids. “
Translation: Oh, Jesus. Don’t ask me to put a ring on it.

“Hey, how about I just meet you at the movies.”
Translation: I don’t want you think we’re a couple just quite yet.

“I think we should take things slow.”

Translation: I really like you. *”I actually like men” is also a small possibility.

“I’m not going to change.”

Translation: “Break up with me already, so I don’t have to do it.”

“I need to go for a walk and clear my head.”

Translation: I don’t think this is working anymore.

“I’m still getting over a bad break up.”
Translation: I want to bang more chicks before I settle down again.

“I think you are a cool girl.”
Translation: I’m not remotely into you.

“My ex is a psycho”
Translation: I f*cked her over big time and she lost it.

“I’m not good at relationships.”
Translation: You’re not the one for me because I’m not willing to put any effort into this relationship.

“Why are you being so emotional?”
Translation: Why are you acting like a f*cking pyscho?

“I’m not looking for anything serious.”
Translation: I just want to f*ck you and leave.

“I didn’t know you would get that mad.”
Translation: I knew it would piss you off which is why I didn’t tell you.

Anal Sex: Do's And Don'ts

People are really doing it. Believe it or not anal sex is a regular feature of an Try inserting a well lubed finger tip or narrow sex toy into your partner, allowing the muscles to gradually relax.

Don’t force it: Never hurry or force anal sex. Strictly speaking, the anus was not designed for penetration so things can get a little uncomfortable. You must let your dating partner call the shots on how hard, deep, fast etc.

Don’t penetrate elsewhere afterward: In porno’s girls seem to love a little ass to mouth action, but do not try this move on your real girlfriend because it’s gross and she will probably never want to have sex with you again. Not too mention her butt contains bacteria that can cause an infection or irritation if transferred to another body part.

If you do anal right, then it can be fun and feel amazing, But, it takes patience and practice so take your time and keep these do’s and don’ts in mind.