Things to Say When the Cops Find You Naked With A Mannequin

Sometimes when you’re feeling down about your adult dating life, it’s always best to compare your love life to someone who has it worse than you. It’s like watching Jerry Springer. You know it’s the worst kind of entertainment, but at least you know that you are not fighting over a toothless trailer park hick who has fathered 1000 babies.

While looking for some new relationship topics for this blog, I discovered a recent story about a 61 year old man named Eddie Campbell who had sex with a mannequin in a memorial park. The police say Campbell was sitting on a park bench with an armless mannequin on his lap, holding it with one hand and jerking himself off with the other.

Thankfully, none of us would be so desperate and crazy to want to get lucky with a mannequin, but if I was Eddie Campbell, here are some things I would have said to the cops to avoid going to jail.

10. I just wanted to see how having sex with Kim Cattrall as a mannequin really was like.

9. You call it screwing a dummy. I call it practicing my performance for Yoko Ono’s Art show.

8. She’s alive! You watched Today’s Special, right? That show was real, man!

7. Says nothing and sits still like a mannequin.

6. What about my civil rights? I should be allowed to get married to her!

5. I’m telling you she’s legal. She was made in Taiwan in 1981.

4. You’re a mannequinist.

3. Officer, she was taking advantage of me!!!

2. I wasn’t taking off her clothes. I was trying to put my clothes on her!

1. This is the only benefits I get at Target. Have a heart.

Beware of the "One of the Guys" Girls

Every guy will find themselves attracted to a girl who claims to be “one of the guys” at one point in their adult dating lives. She’s the kind of girl that plays sports, drinks beer, listens to The Smiths and knows where the origin of the word ‘frack’ came from. She seems low maintenance and easy going and has no qualms about the use of profanity. She seems like the perfect woman–but beware. It is easy to fall for these types of girls but it is difficult to maintain a long-term connection with them as well.

Despite the fact that it is perfectly normal these days for women to have guy friends, it is not normal for a girl to go out of her way to claim only men in her life as “platonic” friends.

Once you date these women, you will soon realize her immaturity and her need for constant attention from the aff members of the opposite sex. You will also realize that these type of women who claim to be “one of the guys” also are far more envious and insecure than women who embrace the estrogen flowing in their veins. They tend to think they are also better than other women because they have a gaggle of guy friends who admire them. Trust me, these women seeking male friends know these men all have secret crushes on them and it’s usually a premeditated move to pursue friendships with them.

You will soon learn that women with only guy friends are not more fun to be around–despite how often they exclaim the opposite. You also begin to notice the subtle and snide grins of satisfaction when they’re able to get an overly-excited reaction from a man who shares the same passion for Danny McBride.

You will learn the hard way that women with only male friends are actually not low maintenance at all. They are so high maintenance that they need five or more loser guys around them to keep their egos properly stroked. Does that sound like the fun and laid back type of woman you are seeking? I didn’t think so.

Do you really want to be the guy who has a girlfriend who has 5 to 8 male shoulders to cry on just in case your relationship doesn’t work out? Again, I didn’t think so.

Although these women are appealing at first, it’s always best to avoid pursuing deep connections with them. Stick with women who are not afraid of being open about their own interests and who don’t pretend to like things just because other women don’t. Mature women don’t need to be “one of the guys” to be “one of a kind.”