How To Compete With Her Vibrator

There comes a time in every couple’s relationship when their sex lives are tested to the max. There is something worse than worrying about your significant other’s ex connecting with them on Facebook. It’s big, pink and most likely battery-operated. If you guessed a woman’s vibrator then you are right!

When your girlfriend uses the Ferrari of all vibrators, it’s hard to compete with it. She orgasms in literally 30 seconds and discovers that what she thought was an orgasm for her entire adult dating life really wasn’t–making you feel insignificant in bed.

Seriously, how can you compete? Now most vibrators are heat-sensored and most can plug into the wall–meaning it will NEVER tire out. NEVER.

Don’t be discouraged that the only way you can compete with the dreaded vibrator’s speed is by having a seizure or being electrocuted. There are ways around it. If you’re tired of being the fluffer for your girlfriend, here are some helpful tips to help guide to pleasuring your girlfriend like her vibrator.

Study Your “Enemy”

When she’s fast asleep after her multiple orgasms with her electronic buddy, turn it on and study it. You will realize that the dildo has nothing to do with orgasmic bliss. It’s all about the clitoral stimulator attached to it. It’s most likely shaped like some kind of zoo animal or sea mammal. You should always know your enemy before trying to defeat them.

Practice Your “Exercises”

In most cases, women tend to take a long time to orgasm through intercourse. That is why you need to perfect your speed and your technique before going “in.” Practice the “come hither” finger gesture when you’re by yourself. To practice your oral technique, eat a lot of ice cream cones. Fight off the numbing feeling in your tongue by continuing your “technique.” You have to build up the stamina to compete with IT.

“Rabbit” Speed

During the final stage of intercourse, the only way you’re going to stimulate her like her “little friend” does is to perfect your thrusting skills. To keep up, you must be able to thrust 2.5 times per second. This takes a lot of practice but if you have been studying your enemy and perfecting your techniques, you should be just fine.

Break It

When she’s at work, twist her vibrator until you hear a clicking noise. Scratch where the batteries should go to. You want her to think she tired the vibrator out so she doesn’t blame you. Considering how expensive they are, she probably won’t be getting a replacement anytime soon. Sometimes you have to play dirty to get what you want.

Suffering

We tend to ignore what is at the end of our nose. We tend not to notice sometimes just how attractive our best friend is, simply because they are our best friend. We sometimes don’t even realize our best qualities; too busy trying to cultivate others. In the deep sea of possibility afforded us now by our portable gadgets and constant access to information, people, interests and even fetishes we as much eschew the simple as we do what is commonplace to us.

When dating sometimes we impose a penance, an almost self-flagellant trial-and-error into our search because we come to see, sometimes, that getting too easy can’t be as good as wanting hard. We make trouble and obstacles when we don’t need to, especially culling as we can dates and lovers easy from on-line dating sites.

And we sometimes won’t take the simple easy step to consider people close to us, possibly

They invite more pain and turmoil then anyone into S&M ever does!

It’s ironic that what we want is facility, speed and possibility but when we are faced with it we still mistrust the speed and accuracy with which we sometimes can get what we want. We join countless adult dating sites but a lot of the failure is us simply not returning inbox messages or giving-up when there are too many people to pursue when a large population is what attracted us to the site in the first place!

We become lazy, we become jaded, we become addicted to the quick fix even if we don’t trust it. In the end what makes us suffer the most, and what we ultimately want, is not knowing what we really want or how to get it.

Why the Zombie Apocalypse Will Do Wonders For Your Love Life

Well, it’s May 24th, 2011 and the world is still here. Everybody seems to be rejoicing in their “new found” freedom by going back to their complicated adult dating lives. However, what happens when the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse actually does come to bite all the skeptics in the ass? Everybody that ever laughed over George A. Romero’s Dead series will wish they boned up on their zombie survival tactics guide, although those that were mocked for preparing for the dead walking the earth will benefit from the world’s decay. Here are a few reasons why the Zombie Apocalypse will benefit your love and sex life instantly.

“Slim” Pickings

Fatties go first. It’s not discriminatory, it’s just statistics. The chances of you meeting slim girls to protect are a lot larger than plumper gals. Don’t tell me I’m going to Hell. Harold Camping already let me know that years ago.

Teen Wolf Syndrome

Remember the times you were constantly ridiculed by your classmates in High School? During the Zombie Apocalypse, all those painful memories that haunted you will disappear when you are able to finally outrank the so-called buff men that didn’t have enough sense to stock up on guns, wood and canned foods. Women will see you as “the Alpha male” instead of the “eternal dork” you were once referred to as.

Mortality Sex

Once you’re in a constant life and death situation, you may be surprised at how high a woman’s libido will be. You may also be surprised at how her painfully high standards drops drastically when she sees you wield your phallus shaped cricket bat like a deadly weapon.

Stamina

Your training exercises for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse will not only help you survive, but it will help you last longer in bed as well. She will be amazed by your skills and she will probably wonder why she wasted her time on bad boys with pre-ejaculatory problems before the Apocalypse.