How To Disguise Your Walk Of Shame

After a great night of sex with a stranger, boyfriend or casual lover comes the much hated walk of shame. When it comes to our adult dating lives, walks of shames for women happen for more often than you would think. You don’t have to be a college student in a dormitory anymore to experience these embarrassing if not revealing walks.

However, there are ways to disguise your post-coital stroll home and here are a few simple ways on how to do so:

Big Purse

I know the clutches are pretty ladies, but they are not practical especially if you sense a late night hook up in the near future. You will need a bigger sized purse to have the following products on handy.

Eye Make-Up Remover

Saliva and toilet paper can only take off so much eyeliner, so be equipped with a reliable and gentle eye make-up remover to quickly get rid of raccoon/crackhead eyes.

Dentaburst Strips!

I know these toothbrush substitutes look like pantyliners for your fingers, however they do work wonders especially when your breath smells of morning funk, alcohol and stale cigarettes.

Dr. Scholl’s Flats For Her

If you don’t feel like walking around in your sequin-covered stilettos for your embarrassing walk home, rely on this compact black rubber flats to get you through. It also doesn’t hurt that they look fashionable as well.

Compact Hair Brush

You will need to tame your “I just got banged” disheveled hair and compact hair brushes are perfect when you are on the go. Purchase the ones with a compact mirror for last minute check ups as well.

Hipster Scarf

Typically, no one wants to walk around 8am in the morning wearing a plunging halter top from the night before. That is why having a big flowing scarf is essential to help you disguise your elaborate evening outfit from the night before.

Sunglasses

You most likely will be suffering a mild to a serious hangover the day after which is why you should always have a pair of shades on handy to prepare you for the sunny morning and to help hide your puffy eyes.

Homemade Emergency Contraceptives That Work!

So you’re about to have some remarkable sex and then you discover that you have forgotten your condoms on your nightstand. The pharmacy is closed. The only open convenience store is a 20 minute drive away. What do you do? Most people would avoid having unprotected xxx action and suffer blue ball/clit hell, but there are a couple of safe ways to have sex and the birth control contraceptives can be made out of things you can find in your house!

1. HOME MADE SPERMICIDE

One of the most popular homemade spermicide recipes involves aloe vera gel and lemon juice. To make homemade spermicide, combine 1 tbsp of aloe vera gel with 3 drops of lemon juice. You can keep this mixture refrigerated for up to 72 hours.

2. COCA-COLA DOUCHING

In the sixties, Americans used Coca-Cola as a post-coital sex spermicide many women in third world countries still use Coke as an post-sex douche today. Just remember to not confuse the cups you douche and drink with and you should be fine.

3. VITAMIN C

Vitamin C causes the uterus to become volatile to any fertilized egg and the vitamin reduces the chances of pregancy. Just like the birth control pill, Vitamin C will also cause the womb to shed its’ lining. To use this as a contraceptive, take 1000 mg of Vitamin C, twice daily for 3 days after unprotected sex.

Now, these are not a 100% effective methods of birth control. It is up to you to decide what you are willing to put on the line. If all fails, abstain or pull out. That’s my motto.

Generic Break Up Lies That Deserve The Middle Finger

There comes a point in everybody’s adult dating lives when they have heard every generic break up cliche in the book. There also comes a point where everybody should snap and point out these statements for what they really are: COWARDLY LIES. Here are a few break up lies we should all give the middle finger to.

“It’s Not You, It’s Me”

Really? Even toddlers know this is a bullsh*t lie. Of course, it’s me, asshole! Just call it for what is really is. You want out out of this relationship and I don’t. Was that really that hard?

“There’s Plenty Of Fish In The Sea.”

I hate when friends say this to you. It’s like they assume you have no concept of the fact that this world is full of millions of people walking the Earth. I know there are plenty of “fish” to choose from, Jackass!

“I Need To Focus On My Career Right Now.”

This one really cracks me up. It’s kind of like the excuse kids give their parents when they’re trying to avoid doing the chores around the house. “But Mom, I really need to focus on my homework!” What they really mean to say is that they see maintaining this relationship as a tedious chore. Funny how they have no qualms about neglecting their “careers” when trying to get you in bed.

“It’s Their Loss.”

Really? Because I thought I was the one that was dumped? Isn’t it MY loss? I hate when friends say this to you. It’s like they are trying to make you think the person who dumped you is upset that they let you go. Why would they purposely LOSE something they really wanted. *Sigh*

“I love You, But I’m Not In Love With You.”

What they really mean to say is that, “I was attracted to you for a while. However, I just realized how much hotter my now single ex is than you.”

“You’re Too Good For Me.”

This one always makes me laugh when I hear it. Bad boys are prone to saying this phrase to all their conquest. Relationships are not full-time jobs. You shouldn’t be “over qualified” to be loved by someone.

“Can We Just Be Friends?”

When someone says this to you, what they really mean is: “I don’t want to date you anymore, but I have no problem having sex with you from time to time.”

The next time you hear any of these phrases, give the person the middle finger. If someone can’t even say the truth about how they feel or don’t feel about you, then they are better out of your life anyway.

Can We Have Fairy Tale Endings?

Since we were little, we always assumed that our adult dating lives would be as perfect as they are in fairy tales. One day Prince Charming would come to swoop you off your feet or perhaps you would find the most beautiful girl you’ve ever met on a chance encounter. Unfortunately, many of us seem to delude ourselves that fairy tales are meant for everybody and more importantly, for the real world.

Unless you have the ability to grow hair that someone can use to climb up a castle, you should keep your expectations far more realistic and avoid comparing your love and sex lives to the lives from characters out of a The Brothers Grimm tale. Your knight in shining armor shouldn’t be someone who would save you from a burning castle. He should be someone who will cook you dinner after a rough day at work. He should be someone who can carry meaningful conversations with your friends. He should be someone who loves you even when you’re PMSing.

Your damsel in distress should be a woman who is supportive and doesn’t have Rapunzel-sized extensions running down your back. She should be someone who can handle being in a room with your alcoholic mother and not even bat an eye. She should be someone who loves you because you’re a good man and not because you make a good salary.

You can live happily ever after if you choose to live within your realistic expectations of love. If not, you will find out first hand that some times happy fairy tale endings are for stories that haven’t ended yet.

The Not So Blatant Signs of A Cheater

I know there are a lot of readers that come on to this site expecting the same adult dating relationship advice that every other female site has about adultery. Now let me tell you something, men are not as dumb as you think they may be. If they are having sex with another woman, they have successfully learned to avoid lipstick on their collars, credit card charges on their online billing accounts and they have learned to hide their saucy text messages from their mistresses.

Like every relationship, it is the little things that count the most. The little details can make and break your relationship and if you pay attention to certain details, you’ll be able to see the red flags that your partner may be cheating on you.

* He comes home smelling like soap and shampoo you don’t own.

*He seems far more spacey than usual. Like he is constantly daydreaming about something else.

* He takes his phone with him everywhere…even the bathroom.

* He has less money, yet is worker longer hours.

* He is a little too concerned with looks and buys new toiletries.

* He seems unfocused.

* He is too tired for sex.

* All of a sudden, he has a new interest in different types of music, movies and television shows.

* He always goes to bed after you go to sleep.

* He buys new socks and underwear.

* Your conversations are never about anything significant.

If you have checked off a good number of things on this list and suspect your significant other is cheating on you, then you have to go with your gut instinct. You can either bottle up your feelings or take the direct approach and ask him point blank. Sure, he could lie straight to face, however you will know if he is lying or not right away. It’s your decision whether you want to live with the lies or move on. It’s really your call.

In Search Of The Perfect Patio

The only thing more satisfying than finding the perfect adult dating partner is finding the perfect patio on a hot summer day. Patios at bars and restaurants during the summer are always the best places to meet interesting people of the opposite sex. However, most of us don’t have the luxury of enjoying the hot sun for more than a couple of months, so it’s imperative to not let this opportunity pass you by. Here are some helpful dos and don’ts when looking for the perfect patio for your social events.

Do Look For A Patio With Open Space

A lot of people like hitting up crammed patios because they think it ups their chances of meeting that special someone. Unfortunately, nine times out of a ten, you will most likely be standing beside someone you don’t want to be around. That’s why it’s best to hit up a patio that has a bar and a lot of open space. You have more of a chance of meeting someone by being able to easily maneuver your way around the patio. Rooftop patios are great for this!

Don’t Get Stuck In The Middle

You want to be able to move around the patio often and you should never aim to sit anywhere that is in the middle of two other booths or tables. By picking a patio that allows you easy mobility, you will be able to flirt to the stranger you have had your eyes on without worrying about bumping into anyone else and disturbing their conversations.

Do Keep Your Numbers Low

If you want to approach someone at a patio, one of your best options is to keep your group number lower than four. Anymore and you run the risk of being inaccessible to the object of your affections.

Don’t Have Serious Conversations

On a patio, you want to keep your conversations light-hearted and funny. If you keep talking in code with your friends, you run the risk of nobody wanting to strike up a conversation with you. Enjoy some light banter with the bartender and see where things go.

Beware of the "One of the Guys" Girls

Every guy will find themselves attracted to a girl who claims to be “one of the guys” at one point in their adult dating lives. She’s the kind of girl that plays sports, drinks beer, listens to The Smiths and knows where the origin of the word ‘frack’ came from. She seems low maintenance and easy going and has no qualms about the use of profanity. She seems like the perfect woman–but beware. It is easy to fall for these types of girls but it is difficult to maintain a long-term connection with them as well.

Despite the fact that it is perfectly normal these days for women to have guy friends, it is not normal for a girl to go out of her way to claim only men in her life as “platonic” friends.

Once you date these women, you will soon realize her immaturity and her need for constant attention from the aff members of the opposite sex. You will also realize that these type of women who claim to be “one of the guys” also are far more envious and insecure than women who embrace the estrogen flowing in their veins. They tend to think they are also better than other women because they have a gaggle of guy friends who admire them. Trust me, these women seeking male friends know these men all have secret crushes on them and it’s usually a premeditated move to pursue friendships with them.

You will soon learn that women with only guy friends are not more fun to be around–despite how often they exclaim the opposite. You also begin to notice the subtle and snide grins of satisfaction when they’re able to get an overly-excited reaction from a man who shares the same passion for Danny McBride.

You will learn the hard way that women with only male friends are actually not low maintenance at all. They are so high maintenance that they need five or more loser guys around them to keep their egos properly stroked. Does that sound like the fun and laid back type of woman you are seeking? I didn’t think so.

Do you really want to be the guy who has a girlfriend who has 5 to 8 male shoulders to cry on just in case your relationship doesn’t work out? Again, I didn’t think so.

Although these women are appealing at first, it’s always best to avoid pursuing deep connections with them. Stick with women who are not afraid of being open about their own interests and who don’t pretend to like things just because other women don’t. Mature women don’t need to be “one of the guys” to be “one of a kind.”