Dear Condom Manufacturers,
Thank you for your continued service of bringing pleasure to women by providing ribs, twists and sensations to your condom brands. It is much appreciated. However, I have a dilemma that is common with many single women who enjoy having sex with multiple partners. I need to do inventory on my condom supply. You may think this has a simple solution. You’re probably thinking, “Well bitch, just take your lazy ass to the pharmacy and buy some already.” I really wish it was as simple as that.
It’s not that I’m humiliated to buy them. I’ve been buying condoms without blushing since I was sixteen years old. (Daddy issues!) My problem is the lack of variety you put in your packs. If you’re an adult who is sexually active and you have multiple partners, it’s hard to decipher how “well endowed” some men are going to be. While single ladies like myself love buying the gold Trojan Magnum packs, those behemoth lovers are very far and few between. What happens when we pick up a Croatian guy at club that is hung like a thimble or what if we pick up an Irish “Average Joe?”
Let’s face the truth now. If I have a magnum sized pack of condoms and hand one over to a random guy I’m hooking up with, do you think he is going to like the fact that I sleep with men with gargantuan penises? I don’t think so. Do you think my ‘Tiny Tim’ will want to inflate his male ego by trying to do the deed with an oversized sheath over his male member? He probably would, but he would never stay erect.
I don’t want to purchase multiple boxes of condoms and look like a well-paid and worked prostitute at the pharmacy desk. I just want to buy my condoms like I buy my tampons: in a variety pack. Since all you condom manufacturers make your money from being inventive with flavored, tipped, ripped and long lasting condoms, why not put all of them in one pack? I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. It’s a simple request that would help many womens’ dating lives. Trust me.
P.S. Your spermicidal lubricant smells like crap. It’s not rocket science, people! Lube those condoms up with something else, please!