There are always times when it’s perfectly acceptable to shut up and having sex is one of those times. Sure, dirty talk is great and all, but sometimes we tend to let our internal monologues get the better of us while we’re enjoying or enduring xxx action.
Here is a list of things that should NEVER be uttered while doing the horizontal mambo.
1. “Oh, that wasn’t a fart. I just queefed.”
2. “Sorry, I guess we can’t do it. I only have Magnum Condoms.”
3. “I’m so glad I took my Herpes medicine today.”
4. Oh my god, you totally look like my ex from that angle.”
5. “No, you’re way too huge to be on top. Let me.”
6. So, do you take cash or credit?
7. Can you move to the right? I can’t quite see what Snooki is doing on TV.”
8. “Say Cheese!”
9. “Can we just use saran wrap instead?”
10. Oh don’t worry. That brown gunk is just dried up period blood.”
11. “Don’t be so loud. My mother might hear you.”
12.” Uhh….” (*in response to “Say my name!”)
13. “Pass the batteries, please.”
14. ” Did my clock stop? The time hasn’t changed since we started and stopped.”
15. “So I guess you like the seventies, huh?”
16. “Hello? Oh hi! (pause) I’m not that busy, what’s up?” (In response to picking up the phone.)
17. “I have to take a shit.”
18. “I poked holes in the condom. I want a baby. Sorry.”
19. “The wet spot smells like cottage cheese.”
20. “Can you take out my tampon? I forgot it was in there.”
21. ” Is it hiding?”
22. ” Lubing it up is not going to make me want you more.”
23. “Oh my god, just get it over with already!”
24. “It’s in? Really? Can you just finger me instead?”
25. “Can we change positions? I did buy you dinner after all.”
26. “You smell like my mom.”
27. ” I want to hear you squeal like a pig.”
28. “You’re toight like a tiger.” (*Gold Member Impersonation)
29. Oh yeah, f*ck me! F*ck me! What you’re done?”
30. “My friends were right. You ARE awesome in bed.”